Saying Goodbye is Never Easy

Well, the day I never wanted to arrive, shockingly came on Thursday, May 19, 2011. This is the day I never knew how to face. My palomino gelding, Sunset, was laid to rest. I received a call towards the end of my work day from my mom, saying I should probably get home. He was colicing, and it did not look good. Normally, this horse will colic 2-3 times a year, and he has always come out of it, so in my head, it was just another one of those times. I expected to arrive at the barn, walk him around for a few minutes, and then put him back in the stall and thank God that he did not choose that day to take my horse from me. Unfortunately, that was not the case. My mom had already did the necessary actions that a vet would have done - mineral oil, shots of banamine, walking him without stopping. When I got there, I took over walking him at a rapid pace because he was trying to lay down. When a horse colics, that means there is pain in their abdomen, and their natural instinct is they want to lay down or roll. That is their way of relieving the pain. For some reason, my horse had a tendency to do it every few months, and it was always scary. But luckily my mom has tons of horse knowledge, and always knew what to do! You can read more about colic in horses HERE.

Anyone that has ever lost an animal they have owned for many years will understand the pain. As a tribute to Sunset, I will share his story with you:

My mom received a call from our farrier back in April 1991 and told her she needed to come and look at this horse that he had. A family was selling him, and he thought Sunset would be the perfect match for us. Now at the time, my mom was nearly 9 months pregnant with my brother, so she could not ride this horse when we went to look at him. So I was the lucky rider, I was 11 years old at the time. He was quiet and easygoing and very laidback. I was a little nervous about riding new horses at that age, but I wasn't scared to ride him. We liked him so we traded another horse and some cash for our new horse, Sunset. When my brother was an infant, my mom would put him in the snuggie and trail ride Sunset. She trusted him enough to put a baby on him while she would ride at the same time, so therefore, I trusted the horse from the first time I rode him. Within a couple years, I had put dibs on "my horse" and would rarely let anyone else ride on him. He was absolutely the best horse I had ever ridden. He had the smoothest little trot and a slow, collected canter. I would ride that horse for hours and hours on trails around our home and Brown County. I showed him in 4-H for several years. I would always love it when he won his halter classes, and western pleasure classes. I did contest him, but he wasn't ever very good because he was so slow. But it was still fun to try and make him canter as fast as he could to get the best time in the gaming events. We went camping many weekends throughout my childhood and into my older teenage years. When I got pregnant with my oldest daughter, I rode this horse up until I was almost 7 months pregnant. And the only reason I didn't ride up until I was 9 months is the fact that is was winter, and there was no way I was riding in the cold! When my oldest was 3 months old, we took our first cruise on Sunset with her in my snuggie pouch. I trusted this horse with my life, and I knew he wouldn't hurt the newborn baby either. I continued to ride him with her until she was too big for the snuggie, then she rode with me on my saddle until she was big enough to ride him on his own. She actually learned to ride on him and showed him her first year in 4-H. My little one also rode him some last summer. My girls also rode him together, or double as we horse people call it. I rode Sunset in the fall parade almost every year until 2 years ago when I had to relinquish him to my oldest daughter. It was bittersweet ~ she was on MY horse, but I knew she was in good hands because he took good care of her. This horse also had a fabulous sense of direction. He also knew when we were headed home, headed back to camp, or headed back to the horse trailer. In the instance of the parade, at the corner of Main and Morgan Streets in our town, this horse would turn left at the corner and instantly pick up speed. That was the halfway point in the parade, so he knew he was downhill (not literally) on the way back to the fairgrounds. He had completed 50% of the route and he was homeward bound, and he knew it. I told my daughter what he would do, and I don't think she quite believed me. But as soon as he rounded the corner with her on his back, his high speed kicked in and I remember her telling me "Wow, Mom, you were right!" Now if I could only get her to realize that and say that Mom is right all the time... Anyway, this horse would also pick up speed when we were headed home on trail rides, or back to camp in Brown County. He would take his sweet time, and slowly move his feet when headed away from where ever we were, but hang on tight when we reach that halfway point and start to head back! This horse also liked to drink mountain dew. It was a tradition that I would drink a mountain dew at a horse show, or while camping and save the last couple drinks for him. I would pour it out close to his mouth and he would lap it up, all while usually covering me in the drink I shared with him. But I didn't mind. He was such a good horse, I had to share my drink with him! He also had a natural stance for posing for the camera. Almost all the pictures I have of him show him with his ears perked up, and happy. I even have a few silly ones as well. Like this one:

Yes, he was quite the poser! And with an owner like me that loves to take pics, well, let's just say it was a pretty good combination. Back to his story ~ I could go on and on for hours, and even days, about what a good horse he was. Our family has SO many memories of him and all the 20 years he spent with us. I remember a time that my mom, my brother, and I went to Brown County. My brother was probably about 7 or 8 years old, and my mom MADE me let my brother have him for the day. I griped and complained and whined ALL DAY LONG because I couldn't ride MY horse. Looking back now, I'm glad my brother had the safe horse because I wouldn't have wanted him to get hurt on something that wasn't as safe as my baby. My best friend told me she had alot of many fond memories of this horse, and that she remembers the couple times she was lucky enough to get to ride him. Like I said, I rarely let anyone else have him because that's how much I loved this horse. He was mine, and yes, I admit, I was selfish with him. Very selfish! The last couple years, Sunset has really started to show his age, and remind us that he isn't 9 years old anymore :(. We had to really baby this horse, and take extra care of him. I wasn't able to ride him about the past 3 years because his back couldn't take the weight like it used to. Not that I am heavy, but my 60 pound daughter is much lighter then her ole Mommy. We couldn't ride him in the hot weather because he couldn't handle the heat like he used to. I could ramble on about this horse, but that's just a few stories that come to mind at the moment. I am forever grateful to God for bringing this horse into our lives when he did. I am grateful for the many people Sunset taught to ride, and for the many fond memories he has left our family and friends. We have been so blessed the last 20 years when we bought this 9 year old horse, and laid him to rest at 29 years of age. His best horse friend, Murphy, was waiting in horsey heaven for him. So at least now they get to be together without any pain or suffering any longer. I miss this horse, and I will miss him everyday until I see him again someday. He wasn't just a horse, or a pet; he was a member of our family. People reading his story may not understand our bond with him, but I promise it is a bond like no other. After I realized that the fight was over, and putting him down was our only option, reality hit and I started bawling my eyes out. My last memory of him was him walking off into the Sunset to be buried next to his best horse friend, Murphy. I watched him be led off into the sunset, and it was a beautiful sunset that day. I don't think that's a bit ironic; I think God gave us a beautiful Sunset that day to let us know that our Sunset was ok and He would take good care of him for us. Another image I have in my head is that my daughter Mindy, who died 8 years ago, finally gets to ride her Mommy's horse. And if he can teach her to ride, then it was worth him going to Heaven, so she can have him. After my horse left, I sat in the grass for 30 minutes, just sat there in shock. My oldest daughter couldn't stop crying, and my youngest daughter told me I could get another Sunset. It was sweet of her, and I gently told her that yes, mommy can get another horse, but never another Sunset. Because our Sunset was certainly irreplaceable. Once I drug myself up from the grass, I went and sat in his stall for what seemed like an eternity. I sat in the stall with the gate that needed replaced (he was a little too playful with it at times), but there was something missing ~ my baby horse that would never stand in that stall again.

I will end Sunset's story now by saying thank you to this horse, thank you to God for letting us have him for 20 years, thank you to my mom for buying this horse and taking good care of him for as long as she has, and thank all our friends and family for their kind words on that tragic day. Life will never be the same without our Sunset, but at least he lived a wonderful life, and we loved him as much as he loved us. RIP Sunset's Son, you are loved and missed every single day.

This is Sunset and I in 1998 - my last year of 4-H

I carried the flag to the National Anthem my last year of 4-H on Sunset. I always liked this picture because the camera lens caught the sun. This, is proof to me, that my horse does live on in Heaven.

One of the few I could find of our 4-H years together - English Gelding Halter Champion

One of the many parades I rode him in. I believe this was in 2005.

Me & Sunset - Parade 2006

My little one sitting on Sunset at 4 years of age


Another one of my favorites - my girls both riding Sunset together

Me & Sunset - last time I rode in the parade 2007

My mom & I in the 2007 parade




2009 - My oldest rode Sunset in the parade. I love this pic because it shows my mom hugging Sunset, and my daughter being taken care of while riding that year. The bay mare I am on is a substitute since my horse was "taken" that day :)



My baby girl leading Sunset around by the halter

My ultimate favorite pic ever taken of him. My oldest is 3 in this picture. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this picture. We were camping that weekend and she rode him by herself and with Mommy too.

One of my favorites - She showed Sunset her 1st year in 4-H 2009. This is the way I love to remember Sunset - with his golden color shed out, ears perked up, and ready for the show ring!

My sweet little girl drew a picture for me at school. This was her mommy leading her horse Sunset. She is learning to write words correctly so it's not 100% right, but what she wrote actually reads "My mom horse died. He was sick." Now if this isn't a tearjerker, I'm not sure what is.

Sunset & Murphy - they were best friends and they are together once again.

Another RIP Memory Post...

I posted about a week and a half ago about Grandma Becky's sister, Isabelle. Sadly she did not get better and she too passed away on Saturday, October 10 ~ just 12 days after her sister left this earth to be with the Lord. They are both in a much better place now while they dance on the streets of gold no longer in pain.

I believe when it is your time to be called to Heaven, you will be called Above no matter what you are doing at that moment in time. You could be driving a car, walking down the street, sleeping, you could be doing anything. Sometimes we are given a certain amount of time to live, and sometimes we are taken very rapidly from this earth. We just never know what our future holds. So please remember to live each day as though it's your last. Also, please pray for the family as this is a tough loss to lose two family members within 12 days of each other.

I also have a very good friend who is like a mother to me who lost her stepdad this past weekend. And let's add to the list another aunt on the other side of the family passed away this weekend as well. I did not know either of these individuals but please also keep their families and friends in your prayers as you pray at the end of the day. Thank you and may God bless each one of you today and everyday!

RIP Grandma Becky

Sadly on Monday, September 28, 2009 we lost a special family member. It was the great grandmother to my daughters on their dad's side of the family. I was a part of that family for many years, so I still considered her like a grandma to me as well. Her health had started to decline over the past couple of years, but let me say she was a tough cookie. She was hanging on even at the very end of her life. I went to visit her in the hospital last week. I never knew a week later I would be attending her funeral. I remember as I left the room, the last thing I said to her was "see you soon." I just did not know how soon, nor did I know she would be at peace the next time I saw her. She had 6 children so that alone explains what a remarkable person she was. As it was recently said to me, she was the rock that held the family together. And she certainly was. She will be sadly missed by all who knew and loved her. I am grateful I got to be a part of her life for years. I am glad my girls were a part of her life. I was reading her obituary today and it reads that she was preceded in death by her husband and one great-grandchild. That great-grandchild was the daughter I lost that went to be with God and the angels 6 years ago. I did not know it would appear in the obituary and it brought all of those feelings back as if it was just yesterday. I am sure Mindy Grace was right there to meet Grandma Becky at Heaven's Gates with open arms. Although we miss both of them tremendously, they are watching over us in Heaven and are no longer in pain. They are at peace and flying with angels wings watching over us from Above. May God be with the family and friends of Grandma Becky as we say our final goodbyes this week. She was a remarkable woman and we will all miss her dearly.

Remember to hug your loved ones a little tighter tonight. You just never know when that day is coming so count your blessings, and be grateful for all of God's wonderful gifts you have been given on this day and everyday you are blessed here on earth. Live happy, laugh often and love much because life is certainly too short not to do all of the above!

RIP Grandma Becky. We Love and Miss You!

6 Years Ago Today...

It all began in September 2002. I found out I was pregnant with my second child. Then we went for the exciting ultrasound in January 2003 to hopefully find out what the gender would be and to see the baby on the screen for the first time. The ultrasound tech did not indicate there was any problem of any kind. Then my doctor walked into the exam room with a strange look on her face and asked me if the ultrasound technician had said anything to me. My response was "no, and is something wrong?" Then I received news that no parent ever wants to hear. My daughter (we at least knew it was another girl by this point) had a diaphragmatic hernia and I was to be sent to the specialist the very next morning.





My first response was a "diaph.... what?!?!" The doctor than repeated it and little did I know by the next day, I would be able to pronounce it and explain what those terms meant. So I thought to myself, no big deal. Things with babies are irregular all the time, so it couldn't be anything of great concern. What I found out on January 7, 2003 changed and permanently altered my life. We arrived at the specialist's office the next morning and had another ultrasound. I was just laying there in my own little world wishing they would hurry up so I could get back to work until I heard the words I can still hear him say today "Only about 50% of these babies survive." "WHAT??" was my only response. Then my tune quickly changed and I immediately realized how serious her condition was.





In my own terms, this is what I learned a diaphragmatic hernia to be. The diaphragm is supposed to close up when a fetus is approximately 10 weeks old. Well, for some reason our baby's did not close up and there was a hole in the diaphragm. This made all of her inside organs and intestines move into places they should not be. Basically all of her intestines and organs were pushed up into her chest and her heart was positioned into her right chest instead of in the center.





So we were then escorted into a room with a counselor. We basically had two options ~ carry on the pregnancy and take the 50% chance that our daughter would survive or do the unthinkable and abort the pregnancy and not deal with the consequences that were slammed in our faces within 24 hours. Well, there was NO decision to be made. My child had a 50% chance to live and I could not live with myself if I didn't give her a fair fighting chance. Statistically her condition was a fluke thing (nothing genetic) and only happened in 1 out of every 2500 babies. Oh, and we were the 4th case of it to be seen in that office in the last few months. Like the old saying goes, "when it rains, it pours" and even though her condition was rare, it must have been the chosen one that year.





The counselor also told us a little bit about what would happen the next few months. Then the doctor informed us that when the day came and our baby was born, she would immediately be put in the newborn intensive care unit and would require surgery within a week or so of being born. The surgery was necessary so that her intestines could be moved into their proper places so that she could survive on her own. So not only would our daughter have a 50% chance of surviving, she would require surgery to even give her a fighting chance at life.





So the next 4 months presented a series of tests, finger pricks, amniocentesis procedures (which was excruciatingly painful), and several more ultrasounds. Plus knowing 4 months of ahead of time that our daughter only had a 50% chance to live gave us time to prepare for the inevitable, even though deep down in my heart, I believed heart and soul that she would live and be a normal child someday.





We told my oldest daughter who was 3 at the time that she had a baby sister who would be born, but that she was sick and had to stay in the hospital for awhile after she was born. Even though my oldest didn't fully understand, she was fully aware of the fact she was going to be a big sister and she was excited no matter what.





We were trying to pick out a name for our daughter. We really liked the name Mindy, but we had no idea what middle name could work with Mindy. I liked the name Anna because I had a great grandmother with that name but "Mindy Anna" just didn't work for my taste. So I was walking through my kitchen one night and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The word grace just flowed out of my mouth. I put the two words together and now my daughter had a name ~ Mindy Grace. It was an instant agreement with my husband at the time, and big sister who we allowed to have a vote too.





Then fast forward to April. We decided the big day to induce labor should be May 20. So it was set, written on the calendar and all. Little did I know, God had other plans for my child. He chose this day, 6 years ago, for Mindy Grace to make her entrance into the world. It was a Sunday morning about 6:00 a.m. I was laying in bed and all of a sudden I thought I peed my pants. Lord almighty, it was something that can happen to pregnant women but I was annoyed! So after doing some investigating, something was different. I ran and got my What to Expect When You're Expecting pregnancy book and read the signs of labor. Yes, I had been through labor once before, but they broke my water at the hospital so this was all new to me. I quickly realized I had signs of labor so I called my doctor and he said it sounded like my water had broke and I'd better get to the hospital. So off we went to the hospital, not completely sure I was in labor, but had a feeling I might be. I think it was more of the fact I was in denial because I knew it was too soon for Mindy Grace to be born because she was already going to have a rocky start into the world. And being born 3 weeks earlier than originally planned made her chances even slimmer.





So we arrived at the hospital and the nurse checked and said I was dilated to 7 and I would be delivering my daughter that day. I had a moment of panic breakdown reaction and started screaming "no, no, no, it's too early." But I had no choice and ready or not, I was going to help bring Mindy Grace into the world that day. One thing I always think about, even looking back, was that Mindy Grace was safe and alive while she was still inside me. And reality told me I could not stay pregnant with her forever. But once she was no longer inside of me, safe and secure in the womb, the battle began for her tiny little body to keep herself alive. I could no longer protect her, she was in God's hands at the point she entered the world. So at 11:48 a.m. Mindy Grace made her grand entrance on this earth only to be whisked away 2 seconds later off to the NICU (newborn intensive care unit). I was then taken from high risk pregnancy unit and moved to a normal maternity room. A regular maternity room that normally housed a mother and her healthy baby; not a mother who had to walk downstairs to visit her daughter in the NICU. But that was ok because I knew it was up to God at that point what plans he had for Mindy.





I stayed in my room for about 4 hours before I was permitted to go to the NICU to meet Mindy. I remember they made me ride in a wheelchair and I hated that. I am so independent and could walk on my own but I had to follow the hospital's procedures and be a good little patient and ride in the darn wheelchair. I remember my mom was there at that point. So she went with me and Mindy's dad to meet her. I took one look at her and knew she was mine. She looked so much like her daddy. Even through all the tubes and needles and wires, it was clear who she belonged to. She was beautiful and had a full head of brown hair. No wonder I had so much heartburn during the pregancy with the amount of hair she had!





The next couple days we had a few visitors that came to the hospital to see us. We were allowed to bring one visitor at a time and her dad or I had to be with the person. Life was a roller coaster ride from hour to hour with a newborn baby in the NICU. One minute she was doing fine, and the next minute changes were made to keep her more stable. Well on Tuesday morning, or day 2 of her life, we received a call in my hospital room at 9 a.m. They told us to come down to the NICU immediately. We ran downstairs only to hear devastating news. They expected our daughter to live maybe an hour, if we were lucky. So all of a sudden as we prepared for the worst, a team of about 10-12 doctors and nurses were surrounding our baby working on her trying to stabilize her. It all happened so fast but they were only doing their job. She had to have a blood transfusion and I do remember signing the paperwork for that. Well I can say without a doubt, Mindy Grace was a little fighter because not only did she survive that little ordeal, she lived another 7 days for a total of 9 days on this earth.





I remember I was released from the hospital to go home later that day. That was the strangest feeling ever. I walked out to my truck to go home after just having a baby. Only something was missing ~ the newborn daughter I had just brought into the world a couple days earlier who laid in the NICU fighting for her life. But again, it was ok because it was all in God's hands and I was not in control of the situation anymore.





The next few days were the biggest roller coaster ride of life I have ever been on. Things were good one day, and not so good the next. The doctors assured us that was normal. They were trying to get her to the point they could stabilize her so she could have surgery. The surgery was high risk and a very serious operation so she needed to be stable to have a chance of surviving the surgery. We did receive some good news though ~ it was cold season among young children and the NICU would not permit anyone under 12 years old in the NICU. Well, the next weekend, they lifted that ban and would allow children under 12 in to the NICU. So this now meant that my oldest daughter would get to meet her younger sister she had waited months to meet. So the very day we could take her, we did. And she got to meet her 1 week old baby sister on Sunday afternoon.





Looking back, I now understand why Mindy Grace was here for 9 days on this earth. If God had taken her from us on day 2, then my oldest never would have met her younger sister. So that was God's way of allowing her to meet Mindy. And I thank God everyday for that huge blessing.





Day 9 ~ Tuesday May 6, 2003 - Disaster strikes. We received a call at 5 a.m. to get to the hospital immediately. Mindy had fought for 9 days but she was worn out. Her little body was tired of fighting and it was time for her to be called to Heaven that day. Her heart rate was fluctuating all over the place and they unhooked the machines shortly before 8:00 a.m. They was nothing more they could do so they placed Mindy on a pillow and both her dad and I got to hold her for the first time. She took her last breath and went with the angels at 8:20 a.m. while laying in her Daddy's arms.





It was hard watching our daughter lay there lifeless, but it was also kind of a relief. She was no longer fighting for her life and struggling each day. She also had a curvature in her spine so she would have had other difficulties if she had survived. She might have been confined to a wheelchair her entire life, we don't really know. But I won't do the "what if" scenario because God chose to bless us with our second daughter for 9 days and not spare her any more pain or heartache. And we are so thankful for that.





Mindy Grace was laid to rest 3 days later. She was buried next to her great grandmother who passed away 3 months before Mindy was born. So I know in my heart that she is in Heaven being taken care of by my wonderful grandma. In fact, when we buried Mindy, a family member of mine painted a picture in my mind for me. The funny thing is I had seen the same image before he even told me what he envisioned. I pictured my grandma sitting in her rocking chair with Mindy in her arms. Rocking her and taking care of her just like she used to take care of me when I was a baby. So I know she is ok in Heaven because she is with my grandma, and the angels and God and Jesus.





Back to present day ~ Mindy was born 6 years ago today. Much time has passed but it also feels like it was just yesterday. I can remember all the nurses names, what they wore, and all the details of the day she was born and the day she passed. It is a memory that will be forever engraved in my mind. I wouldn't change a thing about what happened because we were meant to be Mindy's parents, and she was meant to go to Heaven sooner than others in our family. I am so grateful that I had the chance to have her for 9 days, even though it was a short time span. Mindy Grace taught me so much about life. She was a little helpless child that fought for her life with all she had. I have learned to thank God for my blessings and to be grateful for what I have been given in this world. I have learned that each second I breath is a blessing. I have learned if I can make a difference in one person's world, then it was worth what I went through to be able to do that.





One thing that helped me tremendously was the fact that my doctor's office put me in contact with another mother who had a child with Mindy's condition. Her son was born a couple years prior and had survived the surgery and was a perfectly normal healthy little boy. I have never met her but I have been in contact with her all of these years. She really helped me get through some of those tough moments, especially in the beginning.





I have also been able to help a couple of people who have lost a child or had a miscarriage or something of the sort. Our 7 year old neighbor was killed 3 years ago and I have become good friends with his mother. I have changed as a person because of losing Mindy, but it was a change for the better. Everyone deals with death differently, and there is no right or wrong way to handle death. I believe I handled it well, considering the circumstances. And knowing 4 months ahead of time made all the difference in the world. Time heals all wounds. We will never forget Mindy Grace but dealing with her death has became easier as the years have flown by.





We have an annual tradition where we let a balloon off at her grave each year. We get her a "Happy Birthday" balloon and send it up to Heaven to her each year. Normally we always watch the balloon disappear into the sky. It's a tradition that began on her first birthday, and will continue each year.





If you have read this post, thank you. I'm sure there will be some tears shed over reading it, I cried a little bit myself while writing it. I have always wanted to share Mindy's story with someone, so the blog is a perfect place for that. For those of you who knew Mindy, you know what a remarkable little baby she was and how incredible her story was. For those of you who never met her, I hope she has touched your life in some way or another. She was a beautiful little girl who will always be a part of me, her daddy, our family and friends, and anyone who takes the time read her story.





From Earth to Heaven ~ Happy 6th Birthday Mindy Grace. You are loved and missed everyday and we will meet again someday!