Thursday, June 18, 2009
Teenager Owner's Manual
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized.
This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors your teenager will start acting even worse.
To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger.
No further programming is required.
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenage daughter.
There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because there is no way they are going to use the same kind of soap mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house.
If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.
She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both.
If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and oh my gosh he is so hot.
Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.
If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer.
You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
Teenage daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High."
Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious.
Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will.
If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect?
In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Dancing With God
When I meditated on the word Guidance
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word "Guidance."
When I saw "G", I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i".
"God, "u" and "i" dance."
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings
and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God, as God abides in you.
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead
and to guide you through each season of your life.
This prayer is powerful, and there is nothing attached.
If God has done anything for you in your life,
please share this message with someone else.
Interceding in prayer is one of the best gifts we can receive.
There is no cost but a lot of rewards,
so let's continue to pray for one another.
And I Hope You Dance!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Let's back up to a few weeks ago. We were out at a fun event with the girl scout troop. All the girls were excited and geared up for a blast of go karting and arcade games that evening. Well we were there maybe 10 minutes and then BAM, someone decided to get hurt. Not just someone, my very own daughter! Now I thought I would have trouble with my young busy body child, but oh no, it was the oldest
Bad News ~ the other girl scouts approached me and said my daughter had hit her head while waiting in line. I thought no big deal, kids hit their head all the time. Well.... little did I know what was just a bump on the head turned into 2 days of
Then came the trip to the ER. Since this was a girl scout trip, I believe I was required to take her to get checked out even though she appeared to be fine. Upon arrival at the hospital, we were escorted into a bed in the emergency room. My daughter did put up a fight until I told her there was no argument about going to the hospital; if she had been responsible and not playing around, we wouldn't have to make an ER trip. But that was the case and she accepted it pretty quickly. While waiting for the doctors to take her back for the CT scan, we were not short of entertainment by any means. My youngest who is a clown herself performed her act that she does on a daily basis. She informed every doctor or nurse that entered the room that her sissy was sick and they needed to make her better. Then she became friends with one male nurse whom she would not leave alone. She told him that she got hurt too and hiked her jeans up to her knee and showed him her scab she had gotten a week before. Well her new found friend had the perfect solution - a Diego band-aid did just the trick and she was instantly healed! Then after
So after a 3 hour wait in the ER the end result was determined. She had more than a minor concussion, she had a hairline fracture on her skull. Yikes! It wasn't as bad as it sounded but it scared the jeebies out of me when I heard those words. Head injuries can be traumatic and that wasn't something I was prepared to deal with then. So she was sent home and after a long exhausting day we strolled in about midnight. I had to wake up every 2-3 hours and make sure she was still coherent and knew who and where she was. All was fine and dandy until the next morning. She woke up vomiting and they had warned me to get her back to the doctor if she started losing her wheaties. Well after a few times of that, I was extremely worried. Vomiting in a head trauma patient is not good, it could indicate internal bleeding. So I took her to the doc again that afternoon and they did another CT scan to be sure there had been no internal bleeding started overnight. Thank God that came back fine, but there was still the problem of her not being able to keep anything down. So the only alternative was to admit her to the hospital and give her an IV to keep her becoming even more dehydrated.
Her initial response was to tell me and the doctor no, but she had no choice. It was either admit her at that point or be back in the ER at midnight again and I wasn't game for that! So after a long afternoon we finally received our
I laid down in my comfy recliner (oh so comfy) and tried to get comfortable in every position available. Those choices of positions would be either a)on my back b)on my left side or c)on my right side so I had a humongous amount to choose from! Finally at midnight I had a wonderful idea ~ flip around so that my head was at the foot end and my feet were laying up on the chair. I am one of those people that cannot sleep sitting up, I must be flat on my back. So that idea worked great until I was
rudely awoken woke up by a screaming daughter who had to PEEEEE. I looked at the clock and it was 3:30 a.m. The middle of the night is always the best time to be woken up by a screaming child. Sure. Yep.
So off to the bathroom. But this wasn't just any normal bathroom trip. I had to unplug the IV. Wrap the cord up. Then lift it over the beside table. Then help her get into the bathroom. Then get her back to bed. Then pull the IV stand over the beside table again. Then plug it back in behind the bed where the plug in was impossible to reach. Let me just say it was a long night of about every 30 minutes of going to the bathroom and repeating this process over and over and over and over... But at least my baby girl was feeling better and getting some fluids into her little body and that was the important part!
After the long night of not much sleep, she finally felt sorry for me at 6 a.m. on our
90,000th 6th trip to the bathroom so she let me crawl in bed with her for a bit. OMG I have never known that a hospital bed could be so comfortable! Amazing how each of the 3 times I've been in labor jail in the hospital to have each of my girls and the bed was absolutely terrible. But I quickly learned to appreciate any device that would allow me to lay flat on my back!
Then her doc strolled in that morning and said things were looking better and with any luck we'd be out of there by early afternoon. Well that IV must have REALLY worked because not only was she her little self again by noon; she was bouncing off the walls
like a monkey on crack abundantly crazy and ready to go home. So after checking on her on lunch break, the doctor was quite convinced she was ready to be released from her cozy little hospital suite. So after a trip of getting ice cream for me! for the recovering little patient, we arrived safe and secure at home nearly 48 hours after the head trauma mishap.
Now while in the hospital my daughter and I had alot of time to talk about things. We had a long talk about why we shouldn't hang on bars like monkeys do. She swore she had learned her lesson. No more doing stupid and careless acts like she had done that landed her in the hospital. So I was very proud of her for realizing that she needed to actually listen to me and that I wasn't the crazy mom who didn't know what I was talking about. Usually when parents tell their kids to do something or to not do it, there is a good reason! So I was so proud of her for learning her lesson ~ the hard way for that matter. Well that whole idea was fine and dandy until I caught her 2 days later hanging from the top of the dog kennel... UGH KIDS!!!
Fast forward to the next week... poor little one was dealing with being sick with a cold she has fought off and on all winter. So lucky me took another sick day to stay at home with her while she recovered. Let's just say I dearly love my girls; but I was also very grateful to be back at work the next morning!
Now another week goes by... you know the old saying ~ when it rains, it POURS. So since both of my daughters had their medical issues, I guess it was my turn. So here we go again...
Well my tooth had been bothering me a couple weeks. I guess I should say, the pain fluctuated between the top and the bottom and I couldn't quite pinpoint the exact location of
the asshole of a tooth that literally made a grown woman cry the pain. So during a trip to the dentist to have my daughter's teeth cleaned, I had my dentist take a look. He couldn't see anything out of the ordinary so I received the lovely news to call him over the weekend if it still bothered me.
So after dealing with the antagonizing pain for three more days, I couldn't handle it. After a couple sleepless nights, I finally called him at home over the weekend. He was kind enough to call me in some
wonderful drugs pain medication that helped me a little. But even with the pain meds, I walked around all weekend with a wet rag in my mouth. That was the only sense of relief I could get. Even at the family cookout, I looked like the idiot with the washrag hanging out of her mouth! But I am not the type to care what others think so I didn't care.
Well you can bet I rang up my dentist's phone the next morning. Thank God he was able to work me in that day so another sick day from work... and the great news was I had to have a root canal performed that day. Yay-Raw! Just what I wanted to have done instead of going to work that day. So after 4 shots, and several deep breaths of the moon gas that made me loony, he was working away in my mouth fixing that sucker. 2 1/2 hours later and I was ready to go home and crash because I was in P-A-I-N. Well, I take that back. The Pain didn't actually hit until the numbness started to wear off of my mouth and then OMG it was give me the vicadin, wet washrag, whatever! Just make the pain go away!!!!
Now I don't know if you have ever had a root canal or not, I have always heard they were painful. The procedure itself was a breeze. Now I guess it helped that I was talking alot (not that I ever do that or anything), and he turned up the loony gas on me. I started feeling really good, like I was floating in the air. And as much as I hated to, I had him pull the plug from my nose before I came too high on it. I still had to drive home so I needed to be totally coherent as to what I was doing!
Well after that long day, the pain had subsided a little bit a couple days later. But let's just say not being able to open my jaw all the way for a week killed me! I couldn't talk as well and that just doesn't cut it for me. It was really terrible when I had to call the phone company the same day I received my root canal and I couldn't sound out certain sounds!! I sounded like a toddler trying to make out sounds and could only be half understood. Oh the pity of the situation!! So a few days passed and I am happy to say I am finally back to normal. It took awhile but at least I can talk, chew, eat, drink, just be normal again! I know it sounds silly but it's so true. Try being able to open your jaw only halfway of its potential for a week. It's not fun. Nope!
So as this post began, I am done with the medical issues this year. I hope and pray I am done with the major things for the year. Lord knows I am not built to handle many things out of the ordinary. I have been known to flip out just a little if things aren't like they should be. Nobody wants to be presented with a difficult scenario. I know we must all go through something sometimes in life, but I have had my share for this year. I will pass it on to the lachness monster in the lake the next time around! So no more monkeys hanging from the bars, no more of my little angel being sick, and no more root canals for me this year. (Please God if you are listening...)