Sunday, November 23, 2008
PREGNANT TURKEY STORY
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven.
She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Kimberly, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Hmmmm.... since I grew up on a farm I at least know turkeys lay eggs. So I'm one up on this blonde! LOL
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
(Now my kids would never do that HAHAHAHAHA!)
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
(So maybe I've used this phrase a time or two)
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
(Think I heard that while growing up)
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'
(I find myself using this all the time). If you haven't already, check out http://www.becauseisaidso.com/ This is a blog from a stay at home mom of 6 kids who became world famous overnight because of an Ebay auction. She is a writer and her blog is my daily humor therapy. Check it out - Dawn Meehan's blog. It's great!
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
(Good logic there)
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
(You ever heard the joke that if you're in an accident, you'd crap your pants anyway?)
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
(I remember hearing this from my mom and my grandma while growing up and I would just cry harder LOL)
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
(Hmm... I think I use this on a daily basis when I have to remind the kids to stop fighting, singing, yelling, or whatever they seem to come up with at the table)
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
(Don't quite have that problem yet - mine tend to stay pretty clean or at least I clean them up good!)
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
(And if it takes 2 hours til it's gone, so be it)
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
(I believe this exact phrase has come out of my mouth more times than I can count)
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
(You ever heard the phrase "one, two, skip a few... a hundred?" Well a "million time" is along that same line)
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
(I think I've heard that one before too. Thanks Mom)
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
(LMAO - no comment here)
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
(I remind my kids daily they are very fortunate to have a house to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, and toys to play with and a wonderful loving mommy as I)
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
(I can remember this as a teenager. My mom would call me and tell me I was in trouble when I got home for something)
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
(Read the above comment to #16)
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
(Don't have this problem LOL)
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
(My daughter once told me she was the only one at school who wore a jacket. Well, it was cold in my opinion and Mommy knows best!)
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
(Or when my daughter gets her guitar out to play it knowing that her little sister will be trying to play with it too, then yells at her to leave it alone. Still can't quite get this one in her head)
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
(And we wouldn't want that to happen now, would we? LOL)
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
(Not my kids!)
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
(The problem is mine love the barn and would probably sleep in the barn with the animals if I would allow them)
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
(OMG these exact words have come out of my mouth to my oldest)
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'
(This could be taken a number of ways. All kids have their own individual personality. I just hope their kids are good. If they take after me, they will be!)
So there you have it. Things that you understand as an adult that your mother probably told you while growing up. It reminds me of the famous saying "If I only knew then what I know now." How true is that statement? The older I get, the truer it becomes!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
So where are all the blondes in this world? Well for starters, the author of this blog
Hmm.. wonder who that would be thinks she is blonde. Or at least I act like one. Just ask my mother! But in this past week, I think my blondeness (is that even a word, maybe I should look it up at http://www.dictionary.com/ and see???) has rubbed off on my lovely mother.
Just the other day she ordered something for me at a restaurant. I wanted a water to drink. So while ordering she ordered a "water plain." I was in the vehicle with her and didn't even think much about it (another example of my blondeness) and then she repeated to herself "water plain." Then she told the person taking the order she meant just a "water." Well once I realized what she'd ordered, I started laughing hysterically. I won't quite let her live that one down for awhile. So I do believe I'm rubbing off on her.
If that wasn't enough, just a couple days later she tried to send an e-mail with a few blonde jokes in it. She was sending the blonde jokes to my blondie (as I call him and yes he is a real blonde) as a way to make fun of me since I act so much like a blonde. Well she cc'd me on the e-mail and forgot to send it to the original intended recipient. So like a good daughter, I forwarded the e-mail on to whom it was supposed to go to originally. So that's instance #2 within 2 days! BTW, I still love you mom.
I received a blonde joke on e-mail the other day. See the pic below. The sign says "Corn Maze for Blondes" next to a single stalk of corn. I thought it was pretty funny so I had to send it on. That is my idea of a corn maze and surely I couldn't get lost! What do you think?
Have you ever done a corn maze before? I did one time probably 8 or 9 years ago. It was actually pretty easy and we didn't really get lost. We had to find the center of the corn maze and then we got a special treat ~ a piece of Halloween candy hanging in a Halloween bucket. WOOOOH all that work for a piece of candy - it was great LOL.
So who else can we add to the "blonde mix?" Oh I don't know, maybe us blondes who lock our keys in our truck. Not that an incident like this happened or anything, but it makes for a good story, right? That's what I thought too.
So here is to all natural blondes, wanna-be blondes, and others who blondes rub off on! People can send all the blonde jokes they want but it doesn't change the bottom line:
BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN! Right, Blondie? =-)
Monday, November 3, 2008
So after looking up what "snipe" meant on dictionary.com, this was the first definition I read:
1. any of several long-billed game birds of the genera Gallinago (Capella) and Limnocryptes, inhabiting marshy areas, as G. gallinago (common snipe), of Eurasia and North America, having barred and striped white, brown, and black plumage.
Well if you read that and understand it, you are better at English than little ole me! At that point, I got that it was some kind of bird. Ok, so after some more laughter from my friends (I still love ya'll though), I thought I would be a genius and google the word "snipe." So I google search it and it takes me to the Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, website. Here is the definition of a snipe according to the encyclopedia site:
"A snipe is any of nearly 20 wading bird species in three genera in the family Scolopacidae. They are characterised by a very long slender bill and cryptic plumage. The Gallinago snipes have a nearly worldwide distribution, the Lymnocryptes Jack Snipe is restricted to Asia and Europe and the Coenocorypha snipes are found only in New Zealand. The three species of painted snipe are not closely related to the typical snipes, and are placed in their own family, the Rostratulidae."
Ok and guess what - it even had a pretty little picture to go along with it to show what a snipe is!
So being the genius that I am, I now had a picture of a snipe and showed to my fellow friends that I now knew what a snipe was! I thought that was great for a moment in time...
What I failed to do was read just a little farther down on the web page where it describes "snipe hunting":
Caution (according to Wikipedia encyclopedia site)
Should anyone ever request your presence at a Snipe Hunting event, it is in your best interest to decline the offer. The true intent of their invitation is to have you out in the wilderness, often a field but woods are not an uncommon location, searching for a nonexistant bird. Thus, the true motivation is to make you look a fool. Snipe hunting is no more than a childish prank, but if the pranksters are talented enough, it is an easy one to fall in to.
Well I didn't fall for it because I wasn't about to get up out of my comfy chair and go in the woods and walk around at night and look for some stupid brown bird. Plus I didn't see how the bird would go into a paper sack with a stick (as mi madre was so inclined to tell me I would need a paper bag and a stick). I might be a blonde but I'm not that naive!
So the first thing that comes to my mind is the fact that I DECLINED the snipe hunting offer. So I did exactly what the dictionary told me I should have done. So that's a good thing! Now if I'd just kept my mouth shut and not asked what a snipe was. Oh well, now I know I will never actually go snipe hunting. Unless I find a clueless person who wants to go snipe hunting with me. Hmmmm..... it's a thought!
Anyone up for snipe hunting? Anyone? Oh come on! It will be fun to go out in the woods with a paper bag and a stick to catch a snipe. Yep. Fun. Promise!